Coming Home Early

 All I wanted was to just be able to go to work with all my heart, might, mind and strength.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life: come home from my mission early. I sobbed. I remember one night, even before I was told I was going home, of breaking down. Inhuman sobs and mourns came from my mouth. My body racked back and forth. My poor companion was above me on the top bunk. She heard the whole thing.

I was given countless blessings. One, which was given about a month before I came home, promised me that I would be restored back to full health… and that it would not be long. I remember thinking “well this life is nothing compared to eternity, so what’s ‘not long’ ?”. I rebuked myself for that one.

I knew I was going home early even before I was officially told. My family and friends held a special fast for me. They fasted for 2 purposes: one, that I would be restored to health and be able to complete the last 6 months of my mission, and two, that if I was to come home that I would be at peace. I knew that evening as I lie in bed that I was going home. The hymn “I’ll go where you want me to go” entered my mind, and it became the answer to my prayer to know God’s will for me.

"It may not be on the mountain height, or over the stormy sea.
It may not be at the battles front, my Lord will have need of me.
But if by a still small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know,
I'll answer dear Lord with my hand in thine, I'll go where you want me to go"

The Sunday they fasted is a Sunday I will never forget. Not only did I feel better physically, but I had an overwhelming amount of peace in my heart and soul. I sang that Sunday in one of the wards. I was still feeling weak, but a silent prayer before I went up sustained me.

I can’t express in words how much love and strength I felt as I sang. As I went and sat back down in the congregation, I was in tears… I thought my heart would burst from how powerfully I felt the spirit.

A member came up to me during the talk that proceeded my musical number. She asked me to go out to the foyer for a minute. My companion and I followed. We went into a room, and what she told me brought me to tears. She was in awe and shock as she told me “First of all, that was beautiful, you have an amazing voice… and you must be pretty darn special. I wasn’t sure if I was seeing right at first, but I swear, while you were singing, there was an angel standing behind you. I thought it was just me, but he was there the whole time you were singing. You're being watched over that's for sure. You are protected.”

I knew what she said was true. My whole mission I have felt the power of ministering angels. Her declaration only confirmed what I already knew. I know that ministering angels are real. I had them with me countless times…bearing me up, helping me to put one foot in front of the other, to press forward.

I loved my mission, but everyday was hard. Everyday I had to ask for the same thing: extra strength that I did not have. Everday was a battle. I did my best to smile and be positive, sometimes I even fooled myself!

I remember a certain interview I had with my mission President a few months before I went home. We were talking about my health and some of the struggles I was having… I can’t remember if I told him I felt like I was lacking faith, but he said something that I will never forget. He said “Is it a lack of faith? Or a lack of understanding?” That meant everything to me. In some ways I felt that perhaps I was not being “healed” because I lacked faith… I finally realized that wasn’t the case at all. I have faith in my Lord Jesus Christ. What I lack is understanding.
Mosiah 4:8
“Believe in God. Believe that He is and that he created all things both in heaven and in earth. Believe that He has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth. Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”

I do not understand. I don’t understand my situation. I don’t understand why the promise of being healed didn’t happen while on my mission. I don’t understand why I had to come home early. I don’t understand what I am supposed to do now that I am home. I don’t understand why I have to have this feeling of being lost. I really don’t understand.

I do understand and know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that I have a Savior. I know I can put my trust in him.

So, rather than dwelling on the things that I don’t understand, I will rely upon the things I do know.

So far by doing this, my feelings of being lost and having an aching heart have not gone away… but slowly, ever so slowly, it is starting to diminish. I still cry. I still feel sick. I still have questions, but slowly the Atonement of Jesus Christ is helping my weaknesses to become strengths.

Is not this the very reason I chose to come here to earth?