Making Changes

So, I've decided to dye my hair. Red. I thought about blue, but if I'm to really go to BYU-I, I don't think they would allow it.
I'm also in the stages of googling "radical girl hair cuts". Interesting. May be I'll type in "unique" rather than "radical".
I also like to look at craiglist's motorcycles.

Before you all think I have gone completely insane... I'd just like to say I have only gone halfway insane. Changes are in the air! Sometimes to help you get out of the rut of life you just need a physical change. Besides, I have always wanted a motorcycle.

A new clothing is in the works! Since I have been eating gluten-free and staying away from dairy and sugar (somewhat) I have lost quite a bit of weight and my clothes I bought when I first came home from the mission no longer fit me! I wonder what would happen if I started to exercise again?... I guess we'll never know.

For all you future RM's, or current young RM's, I'm starting to learn again what it means to be in the world but not of the world. Its seems hard and tricky, but its not. Remain on your spiritual path you were. You can go out by yourself... in fact, do. Have a long conversation with yourself about what you want. Mine lasted about ten minutes.

As long as you remember what you have learned, and continue to learn and apply... all the other things will seem to become trivial.

Decisions, Decisions...

Decisions need to be made. The fact that it's taken me over a month and a half to write a new post only validates the struggle I've been through.

When you arrive home from your mission, there is an "unwritten" amount of time that you're allotted to get yourself into a good circumstance. People will say "Oh don't worry you have time!" when you reply to them that you don't know what your next move is.
After about 3 months, they stop responding this way.

Now, when I answer that I am watching my niece 5 days a week (which I LOVE!), but other than that haven't figured anything out... I get one of those "half" smiles. You know, where only one side of their mouth raises up... and usually you get a raised eyebrow as well. The most common remark now is "Oh well, I bet that's nice." Well, how kind of you to remark in such a way that now I am questioning my very existence and if my life has any meaning. Thank you. Thank you so very much.

So, what am I to do?

I got hasty the other day and applied to BYU-Idaho. I APPLIED TO BYU-IDAHO. This is where all those remarks have brought me. I am considering moving to Idaho to finish my education.
Now for those of you who are about to get offended, there is nothing wrong with BYU-I. I just never saw myself going there. Ever. Most people who go to BYU end up getting a degree they call "MRS".

If I do end up at BYU-I, I solemnly swear (my right hand is raised right now), that I will get my degree in Psychology with a minor in Humanities and Philosophy. I will devout all my time to studies and spiritual things. I will limit my social life so I can avoid all those who have "disagreeable" notions in their head to help me get a "MRS" degree.

Marriage is great. I would vote for marriage. I am pro-marriage. In fact, if the right guy asked me to marry him before I even went off to BYU-I or whatever college, I would accept. I'm just saying I already have enough undecided decisions to make. I'm trying to keep my load light....you know? But then that makes me sound like I am not interested at all in pursuing finding my eternal soul-mate... in which your thinking would be correct. My eternal soul-mate can find me... I'm busy at the moment.

Losing and Finding Yourself

Serving a mission changes you… if you let it. This change is good… at least it was for me.

However, when you come home, you start to feel that person fading away. You’re like “Hey! What’s going on here?? I worked really hard at becoming this person. Why am I slipping away?”

I’ve had people tell me that I just need to adjust back into real life and “come back to myself”. Come back to myself?? As in, I lost myself somewhere on the mission?? You mean, go back to the person I was before the mission? The person you knew before I left? What is this tyranny!!? What’s wrong with who I am right now!!!??

I changed. I am different. I don’t want to go back to who I was before. I feel pressured to though. I’m not quite sure why I feel pressured, but it’s hard not to give in!

So, am I supposed to come home and “find myself” again? Or can I just stay awkward and be the best “spiritual, missionary minded, quoting Book of Mormon scriptures rather than current movies kind of person “I know how to be?

Perhaps the answer is this: We should constantly be losing ourselves. We shouldn’t be trying to remain “true” to our “definition” of self. We should always be losing ourselves… and finding a greater self.

We should be taking what we learned and the changes we made on to each new phase... otherwise it was all in vain! Heavenly Father will keep re-teaching us the same lessons in a different way if we aren't taking advantage of the learning experiences he is handing us.

It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s not fun! But feeling God’s love and patience for me every time I tell him I am lost… every time I tell him what my breaking heart feels… with that powerful confirmation, how can I not have the determination to move forward? When that feeling of love comes (and it does every time), I end my prayer with thanking him for all my blessing and ask him to be patient with me as I work through this mortal probation. I ask him to help me become who he created me to be.

Perhaps we will never truly "find" ourselves in this earth life. We still have so much more to learn and become hereafter.

Just remember this simple truth: I am a child of God... and all that this statement entails.

Family ward vs. Singles ward

This is a no brainer… family ward. You’re safer here. You are a frozen piece of meat in a cold environment. Let me explain.

I had a recent acquaintance tell me “Single wards may be a meat market, but that’s where the meat is”. (Frankly, I don’t like being compared to a piece of meat… even if I do love eating it.) So here’s my explanation:

If you join a singles ward you are now a raw piece of meat in a very, very warm atmosphere. You’re life span is not very long. Very soon, if you are not snatched up, eaten, bought, whatever term you want to use… you start to “spoil” and get old. No one wants a piece of meat that has been hanging out in a warm environment for ages. What’s wrong with that particular piece of meat? Why did no one eat it right away? For some reason, everyone goes for the nicely fresh cut piece that the butcher just laid out with the rest of the produce.

However, if you are single and in a family ward, we can compare you to a piece of frozen meat in a cold environment. You will not “spoil and age” as fast as a raw piece of meat. The cold environment you are in prolongs your “life”. I mean, I suppose there are some fallbacks. Since you're so cold it could take a while for you to defrost, and some people aren't patient. Aslo, you could get freezer burnt.

But in the end, family wards are safer. Besides, I’m not in the mood for meat right now… I’m satisfied with my potatoes and veggies.

So what did I do this last Sunday? I visited the singles ward. I saw a lot of old friends. Before I knew what I was doing, I signed my name up on the list of people who have music talents. I was introduced to the Bishop and handed a “new member” card to fill out.

So guess what!? I’m being taken out of the freezer and next week I am going to be raw. A very raw piece of meat indeed. This goes against everything I believe in…

I did strike a bargain with my father though. Not being in the mood to “fish”, (I mean, come on. I’m not grabbing that live worm and putting it on the hook, aka: flirting), I told him he could arrange an arranged marriage. On one condition: that he buy me a NICE baby grand piano. He’s getting very excited about this. He talked about it tonight in our family home evening when we went around the room and did our “family business” of the week. I think he’s focusing a little bit too much on the groom rather than finding the perfect baby grand.

The Dreaded Questions

You come home from your mission and people are all about asking the questions you don’t have answers to. They ask:

“So how are you!?”

Really… you don’t want to know. I don’t even know myself. Somehow it seems like a lie to say “Fine! Great!” I’m sure if I really did try to explain to someone in words what kind of emotions I go through in a day’s time, they would commit me to the psychiatric ward.

“What are your plans now that your home?”

How the heck am I supposed to know? I came home 6 months early. It wasn’t really in the fore front of my mind. I suppose I have the time now to figure it all out… but I really don’t want to. It’s nice to not have to think ahead. As a missionary all you do is think and plan and think and ponder and plan… This momentary break is nice, don’t ruin it for me.

“So have you found a job yet?”

No… and don’t ask me every single time you see me. It just reminds me that I’m poor.
I did try to make a new resume a few weeks ago… Yeah. I only got as far as finding my old one on the computer, then I quit. Believe me, it was a chore just finding that old file.

“Are you dating anyone?”

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!” ---- my reply.
I don’t laugh because I have anything against dating or courting or engagements or marriage. I laugh because they think that I, Anna, (the quiet, reserved, awkward, anti-social girl) would be dating after only being home for 4 weeks. Let’s just get past the RM awkwardness first.

The Awkwardness

I have been home now for almost 5 weeks. I should think this would be a good buffering time to re-acclimate back to the world. If anything, I feel my excuse of being awkward is slowly starting to slip away. How long can you be home before it’s no longer the post missionary awkwardness, but just plain awkwardness?

As I meet with old friends and family, I do great with the introduction: smiles, hello's, big hugs... after that… nothing. I cannot think of a single thing to say. I rely solely upon others asking me questions to be a part of the conversation.

They say this is normal. What is normal about it? It does not feel normal, it’s embarrassing and awkward. When I do think of something to say (sometimes it’s even witty) I tend to overexcite myself and find my words tripping over my tongue. It all comes out backward and confusing...so much for being witty.

I feel as though I might do well as a court jester. They are all about making a fool of themselves to entertain their audience.

Anyone know of a kingdom I could apply to?

Coming Home Early

 All I wanted was to just be able to go to work with all my heart, might, mind and strength.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life: come home from my mission early. I sobbed. I remember one night, even before I was told I was going home, of breaking down. Inhuman sobs and mourns came from my mouth. My body racked back and forth. My poor companion was above me on the top bunk. She heard the whole thing.

I was given countless blessings. One, which was given about a month before I came home, promised me that I would be restored back to full health… and that it would not be long. I remember thinking “well this life is nothing compared to eternity, so what’s ‘not long’ ?”. I rebuked myself for that one.

I knew I was going home early even before I was officially told. My family and friends held a special fast for me. They fasted for 2 purposes: one, that I would be restored to health and be able to complete the last 6 months of my mission, and two, that if I was to come home that I would be at peace. I knew that evening as I lie in bed that I was going home. The hymn “I’ll go where you want me to go” entered my mind, and it became the answer to my prayer to know God’s will for me.

"It may not be on the mountain height, or over the stormy sea.
It may not be at the battles front, my Lord will have need of me.
But if by a still small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know,
I'll answer dear Lord with my hand in thine, I'll go where you want me to go"

The Sunday they fasted is a Sunday I will never forget. Not only did I feel better physically, but I had an overwhelming amount of peace in my heart and soul. I sang that Sunday in one of the wards. I was still feeling weak, but a silent prayer before I went up sustained me.

I can’t express in words how much love and strength I felt as I sang. As I went and sat back down in the congregation, I was in tears… I thought my heart would burst from how powerfully I felt the spirit.

A member came up to me during the talk that proceeded my musical number. She asked me to go out to the foyer for a minute. My companion and I followed. We went into a room, and what she told me brought me to tears. She was in awe and shock as she told me “First of all, that was beautiful, you have an amazing voice… and you must be pretty darn special. I wasn’t sure if I was seeing right at first, but I swear, while you were singing, there was an angel standing behind you. I thought it was just me, but he was there the whole time you were singing. You're being watched over that's for sure. You are protected.”

I knew what she said was true. My whole mission I have felt the power of ministering angels. Her declaration only confirmed what I already knew. I know that ministering angels are real. I had them with me countless times…bearing me up, helping me to put one foot in front of the other, to press forward.

I loved my mission, but everyday was hard. Everyday I had to ask for the same thing: extra strength that I did not have. Everday was a battle. I did my best to smile and be positive, sometimes I even fooled myself!

I remember a certain interview I had with my mission President a few months before I went home. We were talking about my health and some of the struggles I was having… I can’t remember if I told him I felt like I was lacking faith, but he said something that I will never forget. He said “Is it a lack of faith? Or a lack of understanding?” That meant everything to me. In some ways I felt that perhaps I was not being “healed” because I lacked faith… I finally realized that wasn’t the case at all. I have faith in my Lord Jesus Christ. What I lack is understanding.
Mosiah 4:8
“Believe in God. Believe that He is and that he created all things both in heaven and in earth. Believe that He has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth. Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”

I do not understand. I don’t understand my situation. I don’t understand why the promise of being healed didn’t happen while on my mission. I don’t understand why I had to come home early. I don’t understand what I am supposed to do now that I am home. I don’t understand why I have to have this feeling of being lost. I really don’t understand.

I do understand and know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that I have a Savior. I know I can put my trust in him.

So, rather than dwelling on the things that I don’t understand, I will rely upon the things I do know.

So far by doing this, my feelings of being lost and having an aching heart have not gone away… but slowly, ever so slowly, it is starting to diminish. I still cry. I still feel sick. I still have questions, but slowly the Atonement of Jesus Christ is helping my weaknesses to become strengths.

Is not this the very reason I chose to come here to earth?