I want a Full Glass of Water, Not Half

So Thursday night I was at church basketball. I wasn't sure if I was going to go...I had been feeling a little off all day... but I decided to just do it. This is how I make most of my decisions to go out. Sad but true. It's a conversation of "if you don't go, you're just going to be here at home, in your room, reading a book or watching a movie. You'll start to get the blues because you're lonely. So let your spirit be stronger than your body. So you don't feel well? What's new!? Come on girl, if you get up and go you'll feel better."

So, yes, I went, and I played! After half time, I felt like I had been hit by a train. I couldn't breath, I developed a horrible sounding chest cough, the room was spinning, and it felt like a dragon was breathing fire on me.
I walked calmly to the ladies room. I threw some cold water on my face. Then the fun part! I made a new friend. I hugged her for a couple minutes until I no longer had to vomit. Our relationship ended there. I really have no desire to see her again...even if she was helpful in my time of need.
I finished watching the game, and then drove home.
The next morning I went to work, but on the way almost had to pull over from feeling sick. I watched my neice and nephew for about 3 hours till my sister got there and took over for me (God bless her).


Sometimes I am able to overcome my health and "not feeling well EVER" and still live life as best I can. Then sometimes, when I am trying my very best, things like this happen. It can become very discouraging.
I actually think Heavenly Father is ok with me going through these emotions. I don't think he expects us to jump for joy when we go through trials. I do however, think that after we grieve, scream, feel blue, discouraged, angry, want to pull our hair out... etc etc etc... we are to wipe our tears, dust off our knees, clear our throat, eat some icecream, and fix our hair. Then we are to search for our blessings, and return to being optimistic about our challenges.

Easy? NO.

The better way to live? YES.

My goal is to not only be able to see that the glass is half full rather than half empty... but to grab some more water and fill that cup till its overflowing.
It's easy to see the empty part of the glass when we are thirsty (when we are being challenged). Why can't we have a full cup of water??!! We feel we are dying of thirst, and a half cup just ain't gonna cut it.
Did you know that we fill our own cups? You are given as much water as YOU give yourself.
What is the water? How do we get more of it?

I'll tell you what I have learned. As I set aside my trials and worries, and I give it my all to serve others, become more spiritually strong, pray fervently, develop Christ-like attributes...etc... I am filling my cup of water. What is the water? BLESSINGS. The more we focus on others and less on ourselves, blessings upon blessings our poured down from heaven.

2 Nephi 9:50-51
"Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy one of Isreal, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness."

John 4:14
"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water, springing up unto eternal life."

Companion Withdrawals

Yes. It's true.

It will be a year at the end of May since I have been home... yet still I suffer from " the anxiety and loneliness that occurs when a person is separated from having someone constantly with them for over a year" syndrome. (You'd think the church would provide a rehab or something...)

At first when coming home, you're kind of elated at the fact you no longer have to do EVERYTHING short of going to the bathroom with someone else. I remember GOING to the bathroom when we were at our apartment just to have a moment to myself. I'm sure they thought I had issues...
On the plane ride home you think of all the things you will be able to do! You no longer have to remember to wait for your companion or have them within earshot and eyesight. You get to make ALL the decisions. FREEDOM my friends... you can feel the freedom waiting for you.

Then you get home. They release you. You are no longer a set apart full-time missionary.

Freedom???

Ah, yes. You are now ALL alone. Alone and free to talk to people and hold the conversation all on your own. Free and alone to go places. Free to make decisions that you don't know the answers to. Free and alone. Alone, and free. Alone. Alone. Alone...

Thus comes the companion withdrawals.

Its not that you miss sharing a bedroom... or a bathroom... or being joined at the hip 24/7.

What you miss is... having someone always there to talk to, someone to share your insights with, someone who gets your inside jokes because they experience all the same situations you do!

It's so cliche to say "I'm surrounded by people, yet I feel so alone." But really, I get it now. Sure, I have made new friends (since all the old ones before the mission are all married, pregnant, or have a couple kids), but somehow, it's just not the same. After the fireside, party, get-together, or whatever, that lonely feeling creeps back up on you.

Some would say marriage is the answer. I'm sure they're right.

MARRIAGE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.
Especially for an RM.

I again repeat from past posts, I am pro-marriage. Marriage is good. I'd vote for marriage!!
However, marriage is the only commandment I can think of (besides mutiply and replenish the earth) that you cannot keep on your own. You need someone else to help you keep this commandment.

Which is why, since I am such a problem solver, creative thinker/creator, and think out-side the box kind of person... I am determined to find an alternative answer. Because while I may be pro-marriage, there is no one right now that I know of who is interested in helping me keep this commandment.

And to be honest, there's no one I know well enough that I would want to help keep that commandment either. (And even if there was *which there just might be* do you really think I'd admit that on my blog?? I do have some reservations... actually, I have A LOT of reservations).

Too bad I'm not a pet person...

A Family Conspiracy

Do you see the title?

Parents, Aunts, and Uncles will join forces in your behalf.

They think they are doing you the biggest favor, but really, its just another reason for you to give out a big exasperated sigh.

Such was my day today.

My mother went to a funeral today. There, she found me the man of my dreams.
He just so happens to be related to my Aunt.

Assignments were made. Smiles and giggles were had. A conspiracy was born.

Even tonight as I was in the corner at my grandmothers home eating my pinnapple, cucumbers, carrots, and cookie in peace, I could hear my parents and Aunts and Uncles talking about me and this MAN they think is to be the newest member of our extended family.

Apparently he has a job. (That's good.) Has a degree. (Swell.) Owns a home. (The brownie points are accumulating.)

But tell me this... does he own a baby grand piano?

....

HE DOES!!???

SIGN ME UP BABY!

(The last few lines are to be taken in extreme sarcasm. I have no idea if he owns a baby grand. If he does however, that would shine a new light on this whole conspiracy thing...)

So forewarning RM's: Your friends and family will conspire against you. It's in their nature. Be strong. We're in this together.

Interviews

I have had a handful of interviews with various church leaders the last few months.

My last one with the Stake President went like this:

I sat down. He shook my hand. He asked me to tell him a little bit about myself. We then got down to business to renew my temple recommend.
He asked me the typical questions... finally asking me if I had ever been married.
I smiled (this was my mistake I suppose), and said no. He was about to continue when he said "You know, its ok to be aggressive."

My first thought: "Wow. I'm getting permission to go out and attack someone".

Honestly my first thought wasn't far from the truth.

He must have seen my raised eyebrow because he was quick to reply with "Guys sometimes need a little help, a little assurance that their approach isn't going to be turned down". (Well, he didn't say it EXACTLY like that, but I'm paraphrasing here as best I can.)

I was thinking in my head "where did I go wrong in this interview? Why has it turned to dating and how to catch a man?" WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!

I think he read my thoughts because he went back to the interview questions.

The longer I have been home from my mission, the more this comes up in interviews... or even in happen chance meetings. Even those who are not church leaders are starting to nudge me on the subject. Pretty soon I fear the whole world is going to gang up on me. I shall have no rest until I become aggresive!

But why? Me, aggressive? (by the way, every time I say that word, the cheer "BE aggressive! BE BE aggressive!!" is chanted in my head. I am my own cheer squad without even meaning to).

I am not an aggressive person. Not one bit. In fact, I'm the opposite. I'm not an attacker. And why should I be? I understand not all of us can be so passive, we need someone to do the "attacking". But then, if we all became aggresive, who would be left to attack? It would be a bloody battle field of guy and girl hormones fighting over eachother. No one would win.
Perhaps the point my leaders have been trying to make is that too many of us young single adults are being passive and no one is being aggressive.

To that I say: To those of you who are being passive but were born aggressive, quit slacking and get to it. The rest of us passive people are getting an ear full on your behalf.

I Shall NOT Shrink

It's almost been one year since I arrived home from my mission. It's also been about 6 months since my last post. What happened you ask? I'm almost ashamed to answer.
I went into survival mode.
I didn't lose my testimony and I didn't fall away from the church. I did however "shrink" from my responsibilities.
I used my health as an excuse. What about my health prevented me from being fully involved in my callings, attending church, socializing, living? Well, the main 2 things were the nausea and vertigo. If your looking for a list though, here you go:

Vertigo
Nausea
Shortness of breath
Lower back pain
Anxiety
Depressed mood
Difficulty falling asleep
Difficulty sleeping
Difficulty staying awake during the day
Frightening dreams
TMJ
Hotflashes
Difficulty finding words
Thinning hair (although it looks like its growing back now! Hallelujah!)
Arthritis
Late menstrual period (like, once a year. And when mother nature does visit, she's NOT nice).
IBS (about once a month I have "episodes" where I don't know whether to throw up, go to the bathroom, or faint. I usually end up on the floor having gone to the bathroom everywhere because I was too dizzy to get up, and half the time end up puking as well. Not fun. I get the shakes and my whole body goes cold except for my face, which gets extremely warm.)
Muscle aches
Swimmers ear (which I get quite often)
Stomach pains

Yes. I went into survival mode, telling myself because I was going through all these things it was ok. This part of my life was meant to be a trial and I was just going to have to suffer for a while.
I had a friend give the lesson in doctrines class a few weeks ago. He said, its easy to suffer for Jesus. It's hard to be happy. How true.

About a month ago Pres. Bednar gave an address at a CES broadcast. My bishop encouraged me to listen to it after a visit we had. That talk changed my whole outlook. I don't want to be someone who goes into survival mode every time something challenging comes along. I want to "not shrink". He also mentioned something I had not thought about. I have faith to be healed. He asked in his talk "Do you have faith NOT to be healed?" Wow. Rebuked by the spirit right there... Alright. I need to move forward in faith even if I never am healed.

So, what have I done with my new found understanding?
I have been to church 4 weeks in a row, all three hours.
I have been visiting teaching with my companion.
I have made a goal to go to the temple 2x a month or more.
I went and played basketball tonight at the institute building!
I have applied for school.
Oh, and I get up in the morning with a determination to be happy. Doesnt always work out perfectly, but hey, I'm trying.

Has my health changed? No. In fact, the weeks following my resolution I made to "not shrink" despite my not feeling well EVER, were the hardest weeks yet. Old pains that I thought were gone came rolling back like one big bowling ball going right down the middle for a strike. It was definately a test of my faith.

But I can honestly say, I have faith to not be healed.

I struggle to get up in the mornings and make it to work. I'm tired throughout the day. I feel sick. Eating is a chore. I don't want to socialize, it takes to much brain power which I don't have due to my lack of sleep. I fear I come off as snobish sometimes or disinterested because of my lack of concentration and brain-power. I feel like a 80 year old woman: I just want to stay home and watch re-runs of Little House on the Prairie. BUT, depite all this, I am determined NOT to shrink.

As much as these last few weeks have been hard physically, a great weight has been lifted from me. The power of the Atonement is amazing. Truly if we take his yoke upon us, our burdens will be made light.... not taken away, but light.

And mine has.