I Shall NOT Shrink

It's almost been one year since I arrived home from my mission. It's also been about 6 months since my last post. What happened you ask? I'm almost ashamed to answer.
I went into survival mode.
I didn't lose my testimony and I didn't fall away from the church. I did however "shrink" from my responsibilities.
I used my health as an excuse. What about my health prevented me from being fully involved in my callings, attending church, socializing, living? Well, the main 2 things were the nausea and vertigo. If your looking for a list though, here you go:

Vertigo
Nausea
Shortness of breath
Lower back pain
Anxiety
Depressed mood
Difficulty falling asleep
Difficulty sleeping
Difficulty staying awake during the day
Frightening dreams
TMJ
Hotflashes
Difficulty finding words
Thinning hair (although it looks like its growing back now! Hallelujah!)
Arthritis
Late menstrual period (like, once a year. And when mother nature does visit, she's NOT nice).
IBS (about once a month I have "episodes" where I don't know whether to throw up, go to the bathroom, or faint. I usually end up on the floor having gone to the bathroom everywhere because I was too dizzy to get up, and half the time end up puking as well. Not fun. I get the shakes and my whole body goes cold except for my face, which gets extremely warm.)
Muscle aches
Swimmers ear (which I get quite often)
Stomach pains

Yes. I went into survival mode, telling myself because I was going through all these things it was ok. This part of my life was meant to be a trial and I was just going to have to suffer for a while.
I had a friend give the lesson in doctrines class a few weeks ago. He said, its easy to suffer for Jesus. It's hard to be happy. How true.

About a month ago Pres. Bednar gave an address at a CES broadcast. My bishop encouraged me to listen to it after a visit we had. That talk changed my whole outlook. I don't want to be someone who goes into survival mode every time something challenging comes along. I want to "not shrink". He also mentioned something I had not thought about. I have faith to be healed. He asked in his talk "Do you have faith NOT to be healed?" Wow. Rebuked by the spirit right there... Alright. I need to move forward in faith even if I never am healed.

So, what have I done with my new found understanding?
I have been to church 4 weeks in a row, all three hours.
I have been visiting teaching with my companion.
I have made a goal to go to the temple 2x a month or more.
I went and played basketball tonight at the institute building!
I have applied for school.
Oh, and I get up in the morning with a determination to be happy. Doesnt always work out perfectly, but hey, I'm trying.

Has my health changed? No. In fact, the weeks following my resolution I made to "not shrink" despite my not feeling well EVER, were the hardest weeks yet. Old pains that I thought were gone came rolling back like one big bowling ball going right down the middle for a strike. It was definately a test of my faith.

But I can honestly say, I have faith to not be healed.

I struggle to get up in the mornings and make it to work. I'm tired throughout the day. I feel sick. Eating is a chore. I don't want to socialize, it takes to much brain power which I don't have due to my lack of sleep. I fear I come off as snobish sometimes or disinterested because of my lack of concentration and brain-power. I feel like a 80 year old woman: I just want to stay home and watch re-runs of Little House on the Prairie. BUT, depite all this, I am determined NOT to shrink.

As much as these last few weeks have been hard physically, a great weight has been lifted from me. The power of the Atonement is amazing. Truly if we take his yoke upon us, our burdens will be made light.... not taken away, but light.

And mine has.